I admit it, the title sounds harsh. Heartless. Loveless. Cold. But what I mean is the opposite.
I loved her so much!
She was a wonderful friend who will forever have a place in my heart. For the rest of my life I will think of her when I eat cheesecake (NY Cheesecake, which only she could bake!) and whenever I hear “It never rains in Southern California” I will remember our wonderful road trip down California’s Route No 1 and sing along at the top of my voice. Every dull “plock” (of a ball meeting racket) will remind me of our fun on the tennis court. I miss her very much. So much.
After her (way too early) death, something happened to me, something that changed my whole life. Something big. I will never say that my life is BETTER without her in it. But … my life changed considerably. How did it change? And why? This is what this article is about.
Her early death froze us all. Grief paralyzes the mind and hurts so much. The injustice of it only makes it harder.
“life goes on”…
… How much I hated this phrase at that time! I simply could not imagine HOW life could go on. But… it did. There comes a time after this state of shock. It cannot be otherwise. Despite the unfilled gap. Despite the continuous pain. Despite your resistance. Life went on, it did. And it was a very important moment for me.
Life must go on? Without her?
The wounds do not heal!
“Time heals all wounds”. I still do not believe that. The wounds do not heal! They stay. They change us. But change brings opportunities. The wounds remain, but the opportunities help us move on and change our view on things. That’s what time brings. Change. Not healing. So let’s focus on change.
Suddenly it was there. Automatically. I deeply felt the change. All at once I was more aware of my life, of the value of my life. I woke up in the morning and I was really happy to be me and to be alive. Sometimes I even touched my own arm, my skin and pinched myself to be sure that I was really there, alive. Strange, huh?
Do we really need to feel this terrible pain, the pain that comes from the death of a loved one? Do we need to feel this loss of life before we can appreciate and value our own?
This is what I’ve learnt:
An airplane falls from the sky. Rockets shoot people. Banks destroy peace. Change is everywhere. And so many wounds.
Often I look up and say “thank you”.
Thank you for making me so much more respectful of life. Of the value of life. Of your life. Of my life.
Yes I miss her. Yes, I do. However, due to these changes in my life I always have her with me. Every day. Even now. Thank you, Anni.
I love you.